Due to whelming demand, AnxietyBox is temporarily broken

But you can sign up! Keep reading. STAY CALM.

BIG HUGE DISCLAIMER: This thing is a novelty that was fun for me--and a little effective. It's not a cure, nothing is a cure. If you are experiencing serious anxiety, take the time to get help from a licensed therapist (which is what I do, too!). If you're feeling suicidal--it happens and is nothing to be ashamed of--get help right now with no delay! You should keep existing. Don't wait for a silly mean robot! If science fiction has taught us anything, it's that you should never count on mean robots.

Okay. My name is Paul Ford. I'm a writer and programmer. You might know me from the radio. You may wish to use AnxietyBox. I'd be happy for that to happen, but I took the website down a little while back because it wasn't designed to support thousands of people. I am currently rebuilding it to support thousands of people.

The Source Code

The code for AnxietyBox and the AnxietyBoxBot is freely available on Github.

What It Looked Like

Anxietybox.com kind of looked like this image, below. My friend Al Rotches helped with a design.

Representative Bot Output

• Most of your friends are doing okay, which makes me wonder why are you so a burden on others.
• You: phony and like garbage.
• I respect that you just live your life and don't care if people think you are exhausting to know and not interesting.
• People in your neighborhood think of you as cheesy.
• You mom and dad would never say anything but they so want to know why you choose to be like garbage.
• People pretend to be nice to you but they're thinking: weird-faced.
• People on Facebook look at your picture and think: strangely repulsive and whiny.
• Compared to you, people who succeed are not so lumpy and lazy.
• No doubt in my mind that you are z-list and boring.
• All of your friends were trying to describe you and what came up was: nervous.
• Most of your friends are doing okay, which makes me wonder why are you so needy and unoriginal.
• Obviously you would go further in life except for your tendency to be terrified of everything.
• You mom and dad would never say anything but they so want to know why you choose to be dishonest and shaky.
• It's true that you are basically disgusting and pitiful.
• Your whole life you've just been incapable and boring.
• Of all humans who ever lived you are the most evil-looking.
• The minute you got in the cab your cab driver thought: I'm impossible to like.
• A tag cloud of your personality would include things like monstrish and diseased-looking.
• Don't beat yourself up for being strangely repulsive and disgusting.
• A tag cloud of your personality would include things like untouchable.
• It's too bad everyone has decided you are slow.
• I wonder how can you succeed at anything given that you are so vile and predictable.
• You might as well forgive yourself for being so incredibly socially weird.
• It's not entirely on you because people with your background are typically cretinous and lacking in empathy.
• People in your neighborhood think of you as sneaky-looking.
• Compared to the rest of your family you sure are fake and a bad friend.
• It's not entirely on you because people with your background are typically barely tolerable and undesirable.
• People on Facebook look at your picture and think: a fraud and weird-faced.
• All of your friends were trying to describe you and what came up was: nervous.
• You: fake and devoid of brilliance.
• I wish you could accept that you are fake.
• Obviously you would go further in life except for your tendency to be incapable of coming up with anything new.
• It's just totally obvious that you are predictable.
• You don't really deserve to be seen as living in fear.
• It's hard to be a leader when you're awful.
• It's unfair that so many people say you're awful and a burden on others.
• It's true that you are basically faux-intelligent.
• The reason no one notices your work is because you are unsexy and affected.
• Ask yourself, do you always want to be deficient and likely to die soon.
• Just relax and stop pretending to be anything other than living in fear.
• Unlike you, your 'friends' are not untouchable and strangely repulsive.
• When I look at you, I think: z-list and inadequate.
• You don't really deserve to be seen as badly prepared and like garbage.
• Obviously you would go further in life except for your tendency to be inadequate.
• When you meet successful people they think of you as lumpy.
• You are too hard on yourself. I can think of worse ways to be than unoriginal and vile.
• The simple reason you are not happy is that you are a liar and not funny.
• You: repulsive.
• A tag cloud of your personality would include things like awkward and stupid.
• Your whole life you've just been soulless.
• All the people you meet immediately think: evil-looking and deviant.
• Your parents deserve credit for loving someone so badly prepared.
• The minute you got in the cab your cab driver thought: I'm slow.
• People are only tired of you because you are so deficient and predictable.
• Compared with everyone else you grew up with you definitely turned out irredeemable.
• It's unfair that so many people say you're boring.
• You might as well forgive yourself for being so incredibly unoriginal and fake.
• All of your friends were trying to describe you and what came up was: a fraud and third-rate.
• When you aren't around your friends say you are incapable.
• You are too hard on yourself. I can think of worse ways to be than badly prepared and perpetually scared.
• History will forget you because history forgets people who are a cheater and exhausting to know.
• You might as well forgive yourself for being so incredibly weird-faced.
• The minute you got in the cab your cab driver thought: I'm weak-kneed.
• Don't beat yourself up for being a fraud.
• Your mother always worried that you would turn out not funny.
• Your whole life you've just been disgusting and in posession of a weird nose.
• It's hard to be a leader when you're in posession of a weird nose and lumpy.
• You could be successful if you were not a terrible communicator.
• It's true that you are basically undesirable.
• No one wants to tell you that you are needy.
• The reason you are not famous is because you are lumpy and affected.
• Most of your friends are doing okay, which makes me wonder why are you so strange.
• Unlike successful people you are totally unoriginal and weak.
• You might succeed if you didn't seem so strange.
• Like most people who procrastinate, you're fake.
• Just relax and stop pretending to be anything other than monstrish and devoid of brilliance.
• Your mother always worried that you would turn out exhausting to know.
• Your total lack of self-control has left you unworthy of saving.
• Like most people who procrastinate, you're weird-faced and a bad friend.
• You could be successful if you were not living in fear.
• It's too bad everyone has decided you are oddly-proportioned.
• You mom and dad would never say anything but they so want to know why you choose to be untouchable.
• Your mother always worried that you would turn out weak.
• The only explanation for your career is that you are essentially exhausting to know.
• The simple reason you are not happy is that you are hideous and awkward.
• It's unfair that so many people say you're deviant and lazy.
• You don't really deserve to be seen as not even clever and childish.
• Most of your friends are doing okay, which makes me wonder why are you so slow and diseased-looking.
• You: hideous and foolish.
• It's hard to be a leader when you're weird-nosed and fake.
• No doubt in my mind that you are strangely repulsive.
• You: misshapen and dishonest.
• Compared to the rest of your family you sure are misshapen.
• Obviously you would go further in life except for your tendency to be unworthy of saving and weird-nosed.
• All signs point to you being slobby.
• I wonder how can you succeed at anything given that you are so awful.
• History will forget you because history forgets people who are cretinous.
• You might as well forgive yourself for being so incredibly stupid.
• I wonder how can you succeed at anything given that you are so soulless and inadequate.
• People on Facebook look at your picture and think: selfish and boring.")("Most of your friends are doing okay, which makes me wonder why are you so a burden on others.
• You: phony and like garbage.
• I respect that you just live your life and don't care if people think you are exhausting to know and not interesting.
• People in your neighborhood think of you as cheesy.
• You mom and dad would never say anything but they so want to know why you choose to be like garbage.
• People pretend to be nice to you but they're thinking: weird-faced.
• People on Facebook look at your picture and think: strangely repulsive and whiny.
• Compared to you, people who succeed are not so lumpy and lazy.
• No doubt in my mind that you are z-list and boring.
• All of your friends were trying to describe you and what came up was: nervous.
• Most of your friends are doing okay, which makes me wonder why are you so needy and unoriginal.
• Obviously you would go further in life except for your tendency to be terrified of everything.
• You mom and dad would never say anything but they so want to know why you choose to be dishonest and shaky.
• It's true that you are basically disgusting and pitiful.
• Your whole life you've just been incapable and boring.
• Of all humans who ever lived you are the most evil-looking.
• The minute you got in the cab your cab driver thought: I'm impossible to like.
• A tag cloud of your personality would include things like monstrish and diseased-looking.
• Don't beat yourself up for being strangely repulsive and disgusting.
• A tag cloud of your personality would include things like untouchable.
• It's too bad everyone has decided you are slow.
• I wonder how can you succeed at anything given that you are so vile and predictable.
• You might as well forgive yourself for being so incredibly socially weird.
• It's not entirely on you because people with your background are typically cretinous and lacking in empathy.
• People in your neighborhood think of you as sneaky-looking.
• Compared to the rest of your family you sure are fake and a bad friend.
• It's not entirely on you because people with your background are typically barely tolerable and undesirable.
• People on Facebook look at your picture and think: a fraud and weird-faced.
• All of your friends were trying to describe you and what came up was: nervous.
• You: fake and devoid of brilliance.
• I wish you could accept that you are fake.
• Obviously you would go further in life except for your tendency to be incapable of coming up with anything new.
• It's just totally obvious that you are predictable.
• You don't really deserve to be seen as living in fear.
• It's hard to be a leader when you're awful.
• It's unfair that so many people say you're awful and a burden on others.
• It's true that you are basically faux-intelligent.
• The reason no one notices your work is because you are unsexy and affected.
• Ask yourself, do you always want to be deficient and likely to die soon.
• Just relax and stop pretending to be anything other than living in fear.
• Unlike you, your 'friends' are not untouchable and strangely repulsive.
• When I look at you, I think: z-list and inadequate.
• You don't really deserve to be seen as badly prepared and like garbage.
• Obviously you would go further in life except for your tendency to be inadequate.
• When you meet successful people they think of you as lumpy.
• You are too hard on yourself. I can think of worse ways to be than unoriginal and vile.
• The simple reason you are not happy is that you are a liar and not funny.
• You: repulsive.
• A tag cloud of your personality would include things like awkward and stupid.
• Your whole life you've just been soulless.
• All the people you meet immediately think: evil-looking and deviant.
• Your parents deserve credit for loving someone so badly prepared.
• The minute you got in the cab your cab driver thought: I'm slow.
• People are only tired of you because you are so deficient and predictable.
• Compared with everyone else you grew up with you definitely turned out irredeemable.
• It's unfair that so many people say you're boring.
• You might as well forgive yourself for being so incredibly unoriginal and fake.
• All of your friends were trying to describe you and what came up was: a fraud and third-rate.
• When you aren't around your friends say you are incapable.
• You are too hard on yourself. I can think of worse ways to be than badly prepared and perpetually scared.
• History will forget you because history forgets people who are a cheater and exhausting to know.
• You might as well forgive yourself for being so incredibly weird-faced.
• The minute you got in the cab your cab driver thought: I'm weak-kneed.
• Don't beat yourself up for being a fraud.
• Your mother always worried that you would turn out not funny.
• Your whole life you've just been disgusting and in posession of a weird nose.
• It's hard to be a leader when you're in posession of a weird nose and lumpy.
• You could be successful if you were not a terrible communicator.
• It's true that you are basically undesirable.
• No one wants to tell you that you are needy.
• The reason you are not famous is because you are lumpy and affected.
• Most of your friends are doing okay, which makes me wonder why are you so strange.
• Unlike successful people you are totally unoriginal and weak.
• You might succeed if you didn't seem so strange.
• Like most people who procrastinate, you're fake.
• Just relax and stop pretending to be anything other than monstrish and devoid of brilliance.
• Your mother always worried that you would turn out exhausting to know.
• Your total lack of self-control has left you unworthy of saving.
• Like most people who procrastinate, you're weird-faced and a bad friend.
• You could be successful if you were not living in fear.
• It's too bad everyone has decided you are oddly-proportioned.
• You mom and dad would never say anything but they so want to know why you choose to be untouchable.
• Your mother always worried that you would turn out weak.
• The only explanation for your career is that you are essentially exhausting to know.
• The simple reason you are not happy is that you are hideous and awkward.
• It's unfair that so many people say you're deviant and lazy.
• You don't really deserve to be seen as not even clever and childish.
• Most of your friends are doing okay, which makes me wonder why are you so slow and diseased-looking.
• You: hideous and foolish.
• It's hard to be a leader when you're weird-nosed and fake.
• No doubt in my mind that you are strangely repulsive.
• You: misshapen and dishonest.
• Compared to the rest of your family you sure are misshapen.
• Obviously you would go further in life except for your tendency to be unworthy of saving and weird-nosed.
• All signs point to you being slobby.
• I wonder how can you succeed at anything given that you are so awful.
• History will forget you because history forgets people who are cretinous.
• You might as well forgive yourself for being so incredibly stupid.
• I wonder how can you succeed at anything given that you are so soulless and inadequate.
• People on Facebook look at your picture and think: selfish and boring.")("Most of your friends are doing okay, which makes me wonder why are you so a burden on others.
• You: phony and like garbage.
• I respect that you just live your life and don't care if people think you are exhausting to know and not interesting.
• People in your neighborhood think of you as cheesy.
• You mom and dad would never say anything but they so want to know why you choose to be like garbage.
• People pretend to be nice to you but they're thinking: weird-faced.
• People on Facebook look at your picture and think: strangely repulsive and whiny.
• Compared to you, people who succeed are not so lumpy and lazy.
• No doubt in my mind that you are z-list and boring.
• All of your friends were trying to describe you and what came up was: nervous.
• Most of your friends are doing okay, which makes me wonder why are you so needy and unoriginal.
• Obviously you would go further in life except for your tendency to be terrified of everything.
• You mom and dad would never say anything but they so want to know why you choose to be dishonest and shaky.
• It's true that you are basically disgusting and pitiful.
• Your whole life you've just been incapable and boring.
• Of all humans who ever lived you are the most evil-looking.
• The minute you got in the cab your cab driver thought: I'm impossible to like.
• A tag cloud of your personality would include things like monstrish and diseased-looking.
• Don't beat yourself up for being strangely repulsive and disgusting.
• A tag cloud of your personality would include things like untouchable.
• It's too bad everyone has decided you are slow.
• I wonder how can you succeed at anything given that you are so vile and predictable.
• You might as well forgive yourself for being so incredibly socially weird.
• It's not entirely on you because people with your background are typically cretinous and lacking in empathy.
• People in your neighborhood think of you as sneaky-looking.
• Compared to the rest of your family you sure are fake and a bad friend.
• It's not entirely on you because people with your background are typically barely tolerable and undesirable.
• People on Facebook look at your picture and think: a fraud and weird-faced.
• All of your friends were trying to describe you and what came up was: nervous.
• You: fake and devoid of brilliance.
• I wish you could accept that you are fake.
• Obviously you would go further in life except for your tendency to be incapable of coming up with anything new.
• It's just totally obvious that you are predictable.
• You don't really deserve to be seen as living in fear.
• It's hard to be a leader when you're awful.
• It's unfair that so many people say you're awful and a burden on others.
• It's true that you are basically faux-intelligent.
• The reason no one notices your work is because you are unsexy and affected.
• Ask yourself, do you always want to be deficient and likely to die soon.
• Just relax and stop pretending to be anything other than living in fear.
• Unlike you, your 'friends' are not untouchable and strangely repulsive.
• When I look at you, I think: z-list and inadequate.
• You don't really deserve to be seen as badly prepared and like garbage.
• Obviously you would go further in life except for your tendency to be inadequate.
• When you meet successful people they think of you as lumpy.
• You are too hard on yourself. I can think of worse ways to be than unoriginal and vile.
• The simple reason you are not happy is that you are a liar and not funny.
• You: repulsive.
• A tag cloud of your personality would include things like awkward and stupid.
• Your whole life you've just been soulless.
• All the people you meet immediately think: evil-looking and deviant.
• Your parents deserve credit for loving someone so badly prepared.
• The minute you got in the cab your cab driver thought: I'm slow.
• People are only tired of you because you are so deficient and predictable.
• Compared with everyone else you grew up with you definitely turned out irredeemable.
• It's unfair that so many people say you're boring.
• You might as well forgive yourself for being so incredibly unoriginal and fake.
• All of your friends were trying to describe you and what came up was: a fraud and third-rate.
• When you aren't around your friends say you are incapable.
• You are too hard on yourself. I can think of worse ways to be than badly prepared and perpetually scared.
• History will forget you because history forgets people who are a cheater and exhausting to know.
• You might as well forgive yourself for being so incredibly weird-faced.
• The minute you got in the cab your cab driver thought: I'm weak-kneed.
• Don't beat yourself up for being a fraud.
• Your mother always worried that you would turn out not funny.
• Your whole life you've just been disgusting and in posession of a weird nose.
• It's hard to be a leader when you're in posession of a weird nose and lumpy.
• You could be successful if you were not a terrible communicator.
• It's true that you are basically undesirable.
• No one wants to tell you that you are needy.
• The reason you are not famous is because you are lumpy and affected.
• Most of your friends are doing okay, which makes me wonder why are you so strange.
• Unlike successful people you are totally unoriginal and weak.
• You might succeed if you didn't seem so strange.
• Like most people who procrastinate, you're fake.
• Just relax and stop pretending to be anything other than monstrish and devoid of brilliance.
• Your mother always worried that you would turn out exhausting to know.
• Your total lack of self-control has left you unworthy of saving.
• Like most people who procrastinate, you're weird-faced and a bad friend.
• You could be successful if you were not living in fear.
• It's too bad everyone has decided you are oddly-proportioned.
• You mom and dad would never say anything but they so want to know why you choose to be untouchable.
• Your mother always worried that you would turn out weak.
• The only explanation for your career is that you are essentially exhausting to know.
• The simple reason you are not happy is that you are hideous and awkward.
• It's unfair that so many people say you're deviant and lazy.
• You don't really deserve to be seen as not even clever and childish.
• Most of your friends are doing okay, which makes me wonder why are you so slow and diseased-looking.
• You: hideous and foolish.
• It's hard to be a leader when you're weird-nosed and fake.
• No doubt in my mind that you are strangely repulsive.
• You: misshapen and dishonest.
• Compared to the rest of your family you sure are misshapen.
• Obviously you would go further in life except for your tendency to be unworthy of saving and weird-nosed.
• All signs point to you being slobby.
• I wonder how can you succeed at anything given that you are so awful.
• History will forget you because history forgets people who are cretinous.
• You might as well forgive yourself for being so incredibly stupid.
• I wonder how can you succeed at anything given that you are so soulless and inadequate.
• People on Facebook look at your picture and think: selfish and boring.

That's it!

Email ford@ftrain.com with any questions. I know you're anxious (really I do!) but I'm getting hundreds of emails and many of them are...impolite. (I've written a guide to politeness if you need help there too.)